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Prof. Akers

Prof. Akers

Number of posts : 120
Age : 71
Localisation : Cumbria - GB - Celebrity Member
Registration date : 2007-05-23

The sweet smell of sucess Empty
PostSubject: The sweet smell of sucess   The sweet smell of sucess Icon_minitimeFri Jun 22, 2007 4:12 am


I have to start the tale here.
It was one of those rare English summer evenings; the uncommonly hot day had mellowed into a balmy night, the stars twinkled overhead and the landlord had put a couple of tables on the scrubby grass - no chairs just a couple of tables.
If this was his idea of cafe society Bradford style who were we to argue.
We put our beer on the table and after kicking away the dried dog turds sat down on the grass. The effort involvedin reaching up for the drinks tired us out so we brought the said drinks down to our level and lay back looking at those twinkling stars.
Someone thought they saw a bat but it was probably a sparrow confused by the pubs' Christams decorations still flashing 'Avery Merry Yule to all our customers from mine host and spouse'.
Perhaps this is why we talking about pheromone. I think it was Jim who started it, evidently he had seen and article in a magazine about bats and mothsand when there was a break in the chatter he just chucked it in.
" Do you know that the female moth, when she is ready to mate, releases a chemical that the male can pick up teo kilometres away?"
""Really. That's fascinating that is ", said Mad Darren. "How far is a kilometre then?"
" Don't be a pillock all your life son. Think of it two whole kilometres! Why that's almost.................. well it's a fucking long way and tha's for sure".
We watched this verbal sparring with a mounting sense of excitement, for a change Mad Darren had not been the first one to swear and no-one had ever called him a pillock - and survived. Maybe we were about to see Jim being forcefed one of those crusty dog turds we casually flicked at each other. Mad Darren did not rise to the insult, however we could just make out his lips moving as he worked out his next question.
"Is it further than one of my dogs' farts can travel ?" He quizzed. Since Darren spent all his money on beer and survived on tins of Heinz curried beans which were shared with the dog, this was a serious question.
" I don't know about that Darren," said Jim " but it must be a long way. I mean Sebby Coe only used to run half that far and he was well knacjered when he'd finished."
We were on safer ground with good old Sebby Coe, I mean who knows about litres and kilos - unless it was 2,000 bags of sugar; perhaps it was just as well we were back on pheromones.
"one of the other things it said was that nearly everything produces it's own distinctive smell!" continued Jim hopefully.
"I thought we'd covered my dogs' farts."
Shut up darren."
We waited - still nothing happened.
No not just farts, people too. you know the smell women have when they are aroused?"
We tried to remember and slowly one by one we nodded but I think some of them cheated, I know I did.
"It just so happens that this is a kind of pheromone, hell they even have one now that they spray on boars to make them attractive to the sow; it's also quite interesting that this smell is close to our own arousal smell."
" If you say so Jim lad but I've never been deeply into pigs myself, still if that's what gets you off fair enough. Is that why you bought those green wellies with the buckles round the top then - so they can'y get thier little trotters out before you've finished?"
This was the longest non swearing sentence any of us had heard from Mad Darren.
" Are you determined to be obdurate or will you just settle for being sick and stupid with it."
Jim was fine after we picked the pieces of dog turd out of his teeth with a broken match.
"Carry on Jim, " soemone said from the gloom.
" Look, when I said it's the same as ours, I meant it works on us too," he finished, sucking his teeth, these were the false ones he lost in the grass and we got the turds out of and gave him back.
The upshot of all this was that we thought this was an area for deper research; it turned out that we had been beaten to it - as usual by the laboratories and the sex shops.
This last was a blow, for whilst our studies were of academic interest they had lead on to speculation that, purely in the interests of scienec you understand, if we did mamnage to get our sticky hands on some piggy aphrodisiac then extensive field trials would be called for and Sharon the barmaid would be up for a test drive. This would have necessitated spending long hours cataloguing responses and coping with the outcome (usually a damp tissue gets the outcome out of car seats).
We had calculated that ther might be some serious finacial rewards in addition to free and complete access to Sharon if this had been successful.

Still we were nothing if not resourcful. We moved onto dogs (no not Sharons friend Beryl) and the way that they can always scent who is strongest in a pack.
We were looking for a power pheromone!
Pete proposed this would his area of research and as he was the one with a library ticket we agreed.
Personally I thought I had more of a philosophical bent so I decided to do some private research.
It struck me that all this fuss over power meant only one thing - getiing the biggest pile of money then keeping it long enough to have fun with.
If you had money then nothing else mattered, you could afford to buy the best - cars women, cars, more women, whatever your heart desired.
Money was the answer and it seemed to me tha if Jim was right then seeing as money was made from trees then perhaps trees had their own pheromones.

Well M'lud I don't really expect the court to believe me but I'm not a thief.
I'm not a pickpocket or an embezzler.
If all the members of the court would care to check their wallets and purses then I think you're in for an unpleasent surprise!
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